A Conventional Honeymoon
by BabyVampBella
Summary: Bella and Edward have an unexpected change in itinerary while on their honeymoon. Emmett has a convention to attend. Rosalie is reluctantly going with him. Hijinks ensue!
1. Chapter 1 Detour

**_A/N: I own absolutely nothing. All hail Stephenie Meyer! And my sincere thanks and apologies to the excellent vjgm, whose hilarious story "Vampires in Vegas" inspired me to write this._**

**Chapter One - Detour**

**BPOV**

The balmy night caused me to break out in goosebumps every time Edward touched me, which was often. He leaned in to kiss me gently in front of the restaurant where we, well I, had just eaten. A movement inside caught my eye, and I saw our tuxedo-clad waiter wave at me. He had found out we were newlyweds and had insisted on calling me "Mrs. Cullen" all evening. I didn't think I would ever get tired of hearing it. I smiled and waved back at him through Galatoire's picture window.

"How do you like New Orleans so far Bella?" Edward asked with a smile.

"Well, the food is much better than what we have in Forks, but I guess that's to be expected; The Lodge hasn't been open nearly as long." I grinned back, taking notice of the brass plaque on the building stating the restaurant was over 100 years old.

"This restaurant's been around nearly as long as you Edward." I laughed, dodging his grasping arms and promptly tripping into the street. He was there to catch me as always. I sighed, gazing into the amber eyes looking down on me with love.

We had flown into New York from London the previous night after spending two weeks in Europe. Unfortunately, the rainy season wasn't so rainy and we remained indoors for most of our time in Paris and London. Not that I minded of course. We made good use of all the hotel rooms we stayed in. Edward was learning I wasn't as breakable as he always treated me, and I was learning not to push his control to the point of no return. We had seen both cities at night, with Edward taking me to some of his favorite haunts. But we weren't able to go to many museums, or enjoy the architecture during the day. Edward had been more disappointed than I was, I think. He considered breaking into the Louvre, but Alice immediately called and said she did not want to come and bail us out of a French prison. We had not fared much better in London, but we were able to get out during the day a couple of times. I nearly caused an international incident by knocking over one of the guards in front of Buckingham Palace. Edward thought it was best if I didn't ask to try on his furry hat after that. We were supposed to head to Seattle to meet the rest of the Cullens after flying in to New York, but a freak snowstorm had had downed nearly all of our connecting flights. Edward asked me if I minded extending our honeymoon for a couple of days (and therefore putting off my inevitable change). I reluctantly agreed only after a smoldering kiss. When I asked Edward where we were going, he smiled mysteriously and rushed off. He returned with two new tickets and all our luggage, which I was pretty sure had still been in the cargo hold of a plane. We boarded a flight to New Orleans and Edward booked a room at the Windsor Court Hotel from the plane.

It was perfectly overcast in New Orleans the next morning, so Edward and I got up early to go explore. Of course, he had been here several times and was able to tell me things about the city most locals probably didn't know. Edward told me Carlisle had even lived in New Orleans for a few years back in the 1830's. We had wandered around the French Quarter and I had beignets at Café du Monde (Edward kissed the powdered sugar off the tip of my nose). He pointed out the initials of the Baroness Pontalba hidden amid the scrolled ironwork balconies in Jackson Square. Edward described the mix of Spanish and French architectural design in the Cabildo and the Presbytere buidings flanking St. Louis Cathedral. We went deeper into the quarter and found a voodoo shop where I had to dissuade Edward from buying a voodoo doll of Jacob to torture. Back at the hotel, we took a steamy (in every sense of the word) shower together before changing for dinner.

"What do you want to do now, my love?" asked Edward as we stood on the sidewalk.

"I'd really like to go explore more of the Quarter. We are leaving soon." I slipped my hand in his and we took off into the night.

**RPOV**

"Emmett, have you finished packing yet?" I walked towards the suitcases sitting on the bed. Why was Emmett using my luggage? He normally just stuffed all his clothes in a trash bag when we moved. We were supposed to be bringing our things to Alaska before meeting Edward and Bella back in Seattle.

Emmett appeared out of the bathroom with a sheepish smile on his face.

"Now Rose, don't get upset, but I thought I might take you on a little vacation."

"Why would I be upset about you taking me on vacation…" I drifted off as I opened the suitcase and saw what was packed.

"No way Emmett. I told you last year was the absolute last time we were going to that damn convention." I glared at the big lug with fury darkening my impeccable features.

"Please Rosalie." He begged. "Once Bella and Edward get back we won't be able to go for at least three years. He will need everyone's help acclimating her to our lifestyle."

I grunted at that. I was becoming used to the idea of Bella joining our family, but having to babysit a newborn vampire every second of the day was not my idea of fun. I knew Emmett really cared about her, so I was willing to stay with the family during Bella's "formative" years. Emmett looked at me with his puppy dog eyes and dropped to his knees.

"Please, please, please, please? I'll buy you a new car when we get to Alaska. Or a Zamboni," Emmett grinned, showing off his dimples. I never could resist the dimples. I pulled Emmett back to his feet.

"Alright, fine. But I am NOT wearing the costume on the plane."

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_A/N: Got any ideas as to what convention Emmett and Rosalie are attending? R&R and let me know!_


	2. Chapter 2 Destination

_**A/N: I own nada, zip, zero, zilch, bupkiss. Stephenie Meyer, you rule! **_

**Chapter Two - Destination**

**EmPOV**

I couldn't believe my Rosalie had come with me. She had threatened me with physical violence and a month of no nookie after we returned from last year's convention if I ever even _looked_ like I was going to ask her to go again. But here she was striding in front of me in the airport looking superfine even if she wouldn't wear her costume. I kept trying to hold her hand, but she was pulling away.

"Emmett, I told you I wasn't going to be seen with you if you dressed like that on the plane!" She hissed so only I could hear. Rosalie had sat four rows away from me on the flight here and listened to her ipod the entire time.

"Come on Rose," I whispered back. "You know wearing this is my favorite part."

"I am intensely aware of that at the moment Emmett." She grimaced as another child passed and asked if he could have his picture taken with me. His parents pulled him away quickly, muttering something about "freaking weirdos, every time we come here." I didn't think I looked weird, but I did look freaking awesome! I'd spent years tracking down authentic pieces to accent my costume. Alice loved "playing dress-up" and had been instrumental in finding over half of my outfit. She really was the best shopper I knew. She'd even gotten my special hat from a dealer in the Caribbean.

Rose had already gotten our luggage by the time I got to the baggage claim. She didn't look too happy. I couldn't help it that so many people wanted their pictures taken with me. After tossing me our suitcases with just a bit too much force, Rosalie jumped into the first cab she saw. I quickly loaded our bags in the trunk and got in after her.

"Where to, uh... Mister?" The cabbie asked as he did a double-take at my appearance. Crap. I hadn't told Rose where we were staying. Now she was going to be really pissed.

"Umm, the Hampton Inn downtown, on Carondelet." I told the cabbie while attempting to shrink into the furthest corner away from Rose.

Rosalie was livid.

"The WHAT?!" She hissed at me again.

"The Hampton Inn," I said in a small voice. "It's where the convention is being held." Last year, even though the convention was at a different hotel, I booked us into the Ritz-Carlton. I figured I wouldn't be able to attend for a while, so I thought it would be fun to be in the thick of things with all the other conventioneers this year. I was now certain this would be the absolute last time I would ever attend this particular convention. Rose's face was murderous.

Rose narrowed her eyes at me and tapped the cab driver on the shoulder.

"There's been a slight change in plans," she said with an evil smile. "You will first drop off Captain Clueless here at the Hampton Inn." She didn't even try to disguise the disgust in her voice. "Then I will be continuing on to the Windsor Court."

"Rosie," I whimpered.

"No Emmett. You will be lucky if you see me for the rest of this trip. I am not setting my Christian Louboutin-shod foot in a god-forsaken Hampton Inn. I don't even stay in an inn when I'm in the Hamptons!" Rosalie crossed her arms and stayed silent the rest of the way downtown. I tried everything to get her to look at me, but no dice. After what felt like an eternity, the cab pulled up in front of my hotel. I put on my best pout as I turned to Rosalie.

"Please Rose, baby. Won't you change your mind?"

Rosalie snarled at me, causing the cabbie to jump in his seat. She slammed the door in my face and the cab sped away. I was a little upset that Rose wouldn't be staying with me. But, as I entered the hotel, I saw a friend I had made last year and I knew I wouldn't be away from my girl for long.

"Hey Scarlett! Wait up!"

**RPOV**

The cabbie kept shooting nervous glances at me in the rearview mirror. I acted as if I didn't notice and examined my manicure instead. Emmett was so ridiculous. First dragging me along to this stupid convention and then not even booking a decent hotel. What in the hell was he thinking? I started plotting revenge against him in my head. I was contemplating having him castrated by the werewolves when the cabbie pulled into the driveway at the Windsor Court. I glided into the lobby after tipping the cab driver generously. I had frightened him. The bellhop stumbled in carrying my bags and for a moment I was reminded of Bella's klutziness. That was strange. I didn't normally think of Bella when she wasn't around. I shook my head slightly to clear it and put on a sensual smile as I walked up to the front desk. The clerk's eyes widened as he got a good look at me.

"M-may I help you m-ma'am?" He stuttered.

"I'd like to check in please. Rosalie Hale. I believe you are expecting me for two nights in the penthouse suite." They weren't of course, but this poor schlub didn't know that.

"M-ms. Hale, I can't seem to f-f-find your reservation." The clerk's ears began to turn red. "The penthouse suite is occupied for the next two nights."

"But I made it over a month ago," I put on the saddest face I could. "I've so been looking forward to staying here."

"I'm s-s-sure I can find you something acceptable. The hotel is nearly at full c-capacity, but we do have a junior s-suite in the club level available." He looked at me hopefully.

"That will suffice," I purred. The clerk handed me the key card and snapped at the bellhop to bring my bags. The elevator ride to my suite was quiet enough for me to keep planning on what I was going to do to Emmett for this humiliation. I got so lost in my plotting I didn't even notice that the bellhop had opened the door for me and was waiting for me to enter the room. Not as large as I had hoped, but adequate. I tipped the bellhop and sank into one of the armchairs. I wondered who had the penthouse suite. I had stayed there with Emmett on one of our honeymoons and it was lovely. Emmett, damn him. I had been looking forward to having a nice time before having to deal with Baby Vamp Bella. But no, Emmett went and ruined everything by staying at that roach motel.

"Arrrgh!" I screamed with frustration. All I could see in my head was Emmett's sad face under the huge banner for the convention hung outside the hotel. I yelled again, kicking my suitcase across the room. It burst open, spewing my pirate wench costume all over the floor.

"Damn you, PyrateCon 2008!!"

_**

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**_

A/N: Were you expecting a pirate convention? I am taking a lot of liberties with the timeline here. There actually is a pirate convention called PyrateCon. It was in New Orleans in mid April. A lot of the pirates were staying at the Hampton Inn that is connected to the building where I work. I had just read vjgm's "Vampires in Vegas" the night before, and I walked into my building to see dozens of people dressed like pirates. (If you haven't read it and don't know what I am talking about, go read it.) I got a little happy and decided to write a story about it. Emmett would have fit in perfectly. In no way do I mean to offend any pirates, nor do I wish to cast aspersions on PyrateCon. This is just a vehicle for my crazy brain to take a ride in.

_**I am also in no way implying that the Hampton Inn has vermin of any kind. I am perfectly happy staying at a Hampton Inn. However, I figured that would be what Rosalie would think of a hotel of that class. She's a five star kind of girl. The Windsor Court is a five star kind of place. Long author's note, huh? R&R, b/c I loooove it!**_


	3. Chapter 3 Desperation

_**A/N: Sorry, it's taken me sooo long to update. I got a puppy, then I got Formosan termites! Yay to the pup, boo to the termites. Okay, I promise BxE and RxEm will all meet up at some point. I'm still trying to get Rosalie and Emmett back together! As always, Stephenie Meyer is the genius behind these characters and I am just using them for my own selfish pleasure. BTW, Scarlett Harlott was the Grand Marshal of the PyrateCon 2008 Invasion Parade.**_

**Chapter Three – Desperation**

**EmPOV**

"Hey, Scarlett! Wait up!" I jogged at human speed over to the elevators to catch up to Scarlett Harlott.

"Ahoy Captain Emmett!" Scarlett smiled lasciviously at me. Her bright red hair was crimped and strung with shells, starfish, and seaweed.

"Great costume, Scarlett." It really was something to behold. Layers of aqua chiffon were paired with fishing net, strands of seaweed, pearls, coins and more sea shells. "Going as a mermaid this year?"

"A siren, but close," Scarlett said, twirling to give me the full effect.

"Scarlett, you wouldn't even need to sing to bring a man down to Davy Jones' locker." I eyed her curves appreciatively.

"A damn good thing too, since I can't even whistle."

"You know how to whistle, don't you Scarlett?" I asked, leaning in close. She shook her head no as her eyes glazed over from my sweet breath. "You just put your lips together - and blow." Scarlett looked like she might faint. Now I knew what Bella meant when she said Edward was always dazzling her. I chuckled inwardly. I'd have to tell Edward I got to use a line from one of his favorite movies. Scarlett took a deep breath and a step back before smiling shakily at me.

"And where is the beauteous Ms. Rosalie?" Scarlett asked in a scolding tone for my ungentlemanly behavior.

"Well Scarlett, I was hoping you'd help me with that." I said politely. I was going to be putting Ms. Scarlett in some compromising situations if she was amenable to my little plan. I whispered my idea in her ear.

"Of course I'd be happy to oblige, Captain Emmett. Your quarters or mine," she winked.

"I haven't checked in yet, but I probably won't need my room after this stunt."

"Aye, you'll probably need a casket." Scarlett laughed. We stepped in the elevator together and headed to Scarlett's room.

**RPOV**

I was in a bubble bath, humming along to Sara Bareilles, feeling a little bad about how I had left Emmett at the convention. My iPhone buzzed, signaling an incoming email. I switched to the message. It was from Emmett, of course. He always seemed to know when my anger was cooling.

_A friend wants to say hi! Pics attached._

I wondered who it was; maybe the Jack Sparrow look-alike from last year. He was hot. Maybe a little short and skinny for my tastes, but who doesn't like sexy Johnny Depp clones. I waited for the first picture to load. I didn't even let it finish before I was out of the bath and dressed in my costume.

"I can't believe he's with that fake red-headed slut." I growled, punching the button for the elevator. My iPhone was crushed in my other hand, the picture of Emmett kissing Scarlett on the cheek still on the screen. I was calling the werewolves as soon as we landed in Seattle. Castration was definitely in order.

**EmPOV**

"That should get her here." I gulped. Maybe I was pushing Rosalie too far. She wasn't known for keeping her cool.

Scarlett looked at me with pity.

"If I were you, I'd go wait by the entrance, so she'll see you as soon as you walk in."

"Yeah," I said walking dazedly from Scarlett's room. I pushed the button for the elevator and tried to steel myself for the tongue lashing that was soon to follow. The elevator ride down to the lobby was the longest of my entire life. I banged my head on the elevator wall; Rosalie was going to be really mad. I should have just called her and told her how sorry I was. Now I was going to grovel for days and probably buy her 3 new cars to play with. I began pacing the lobby, just waiting for Rose to show up. I didn't have to wait long. Rosalie stormed in the doors and every eye immediately went to her. She was so gorgeous when she was irate. Her costume didn't help matters either. The little valet by the door had his eyes bugging out at the sight of her. Rose was a shipwrecked wench, so her costume was strategically torn to expose miles of her pale flesh. Her long legs strode towards me, while her eyes flashed angrily. I backed up to the wall and wished I could melt right into it. No such luck. Rose pushed me into the wall hard and I heard the plaster crack.

"Where is she??"

Great, the hissing had not abated. I should have known not to screw with her.

"Rosie, please, this wasn't Scarlett's idea." I did the puppy dog face again. "You know she adores you. She asked where you were and I had to beg her to participate in my little plan." Not exactly the truth, but Rose didn't need to know that. Her lovely face softened slightly.

"You'd better be on your best behavior for the rest of this trip, Emmett," Rose warned. "And we are staying at MY hotel at night."

"Of course Rosie, whatever you want. I'll do anything to make this up to you." I cautiously put my arms around her and drew her in for a hug. She allowed it, so I thought I was in the clear. Wrong. Her very powerful knee slammed into my crotch and I nearly doubled over with the pain.

"Consider yourself lucky, Emmett," Rosalie grinned nastily. "I was going to have the werewolves remove that for you permanently when we got back to Washington."

My eyes swam with tears that would never drop. Rosalie looked at me with a little mercy and grabbed my hand.

"Sorry Em," she whispered. "But you know how I get when I'm jealous." If I hadn't before, (which of course I did) I knew now. Rosalie kissed me on the cheek and sighed resignedly. "So what's first on the pirate itinerary for today?"

"Well, first there's the interactive showing of _Pirates of the Carribean: the Curse of the Black Pearl_. Then we have the Grand Pyrate Feast, then we have to go have drinks at Tropical Isle, then…

**EPOV**

Bella was so beautiful with the morning sun glancing off her hair. After dinner the night before, we had walked around the French Quarter for a few hours before she was ready to sleep. Which was what she was doing now. I was worried the sun would ruin what I had planned for today, but the forecast called for a light drizzle, and I was hoping the cloud cover would soon arrive. I called room service to have breakfast in bed delivered for Bella in our penthouse suite. I pulled the curtain back into place so the attendant wouldn't see me shining like a diamond in the sunlight streaming through our window. Hovering over Bella, I placed my lips a millimeter away from hers and breathed out.

"Edward," she sighed, smiling in her sleep. I touched my lips gently to hers, once, twice. Her eyes fluttered open. She smiled at me again and then covered her mouth quickly with her hand.

"I have morning breath!" she cried, trying to jump out of bed. I gently pushed her back against the pillows.

"Just relax love. You know I love the way you smell in the morning," I reassured her. "Besides, your breakfast is on its way, and you'd only have to brush your teeth again." Bella gave me her skeptic look. I handed her a glass of water from the nightstand. "If you are so concerned with my smelling your breath, which is not at all unpleasant, drink this."

Bella took the glass from me and swished a bit of the water around in her mouth.

"All better?" I asked, my eyes reflecting the smile on my face.

"For now, I guess," Bella made a slight face. I knew she was used to having her "human moment" in the morning, but I wanted to lie in bed with no interruptions for once. A tap at the door put that notion to rest.

"I'll get it, Bella. Why don't you check the forecast again?" Bella nodded and turned on the plasma in our bedroom as I padded out to the living area. I tipped the attendant generously and wheeled the cart back to Bella. Her eyes lit up at the silver domes adorning the tray. I wasn't sure she would ever get used to living like this all the time.

"Edward, I am going to gain 20 pounds on this honeymoon!" Bella moaned as she lifted up the domes to reveal Eggs Benedict, bacon, fresh fruit and the Windsor Court's scones with clotted cream and lemon curd. She dug into one of those first, licking her lips in contentment.

"What's the weather doing?" I asked her as I plucked the newspapers from the side of the cart. Bella swallowed a huge mouthful of food and pointed at the screen.

"Looks like it might be sunny all morning." She pouted prettily at me.

"No worries, I think I can find a way for us to stay entertained."

"How?"

I raised an eyebrow at her. We had "tried" many times on our honeymoon with great success and I loved knowing I had the control to not shatter her fragile body in a million pieces. Bella blushed at my come hither look, as she liked to call it. I would miss that most of all, the bright pink rose of her cheeks. Rose?

_"I am so going to have Emmett castrated!!"_

"Edward, are you okay?" Bella looked worried. I was worried. I shouldn't be hearing Rosalie's thoughts this far away. She was exceptionally angry, however. Maybe that was the reason I could hear her mind halfway across the country.

I turned back to my beautiful bride. Her hair was tousled and she was still munching on bacon, but she was the most perfect woman in my eyes. I nodded that I was fine and reached up to caress her cheek. Bella turned toward my touch and we fell into one another, all our other thoughts forgotten.

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_**A/N: They're almost there, I promise. I've got links to all kinds of neat stuff from the story on my profile. Check it out and of course, review!**_


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